Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - a diagnosis that resonates deeply with me. Amongst the harmful stereotypes and chronic misunderstandings of BPD, I commit myself to the perspective that ‘borderline makes sense’ in a world full of rejection and neglectful upbringings.

While the emotions of BPD can be deeply intense and painful, the ability to feel so profoundly highlights the depth of this ‘disorder’. In my experience, I have never encountered a person with BPD who lacked care, empathy, or loyalty - in fact, it has been quite the opposite. As a counselling professional, I can confidently assure you that in relationships that are secure, consistent, and reliable, ‘splitting’ tends to occur with less emotional intensity and often diminishes over time.

‘Splitting’, an emotional phenomenon characterised by heightened sensitivity and awareness to rejection and abandonment, is a defence mechanism that often evokes feelings of shame and fear. I can only compare this experience to that of a child, crying out for their caregiver, only to be met with silence. The child, trying to make sense of their caregiver’s response, internalises this neglect and interprets the behaviour (or lack of) as “My cries will not be answered to, and I am alone in this world because my needs are too much – because I am too much”... Simultaneously, despite evidence of no response, there is a sensation within the child of “Maybe if I cry louder, I will be heard”. How confusing.

This prompts the question, ‘if borderline is just our inner child crying out to be loved, then why do we treat that child so poorly at times? Why do we re-create the punishment that we have received from others?’. The overthinking, questioning of reactions, and internal gaslighting severely conflicts with the need to show compassion for one’s deepest childhood wounds – especially when they are triggered in present-day relationships.

It is unfortunate how easy it is for us as humans to internalise the criticism and punishment that we have received from others throughout our life. In fact, I have been continually frustrated by the weaponisation of borderline symptoms against individuals with BPD. A genuine hurt or betrayal can be merely dismissed as a ‘split’ or an ‘episode’... I have sat uncomfortably numerous times with the following thought – Does borderline only become a ‘reality’ to others when it allows them to avoid accountability for their actions?

In writing this, I am not suggesting that borderline is free of challenges (for those with borderline and those around them) or that the entirety of society lacks compassion toward BPD. Splits and borderline ‘rage’ can be destructive, impulsive and distressing for all parties involved. However, change has rarely ever derived from excessive criticism or a lack of understanding.

In this way, therapeutic intervention can defiantly be a constructive catalyst for change, emotional regulation and relationship maintenance. Much of the work in counselling centres around validation and psychoeducation – with the therapist saying, ‘how you feel makes sense’ and ‘let’s make sense of this together’. I often explore themes through a neurobiological perspective (meaning survival) and facilitate a view that says, “my behaviour has helped me - ‘catch abandonment before it catches me’ – but it no longer serves me”. This approach ensures that individuals understand the purpose and protective nature of their BPD responses, while also feeling able to gently let go of them as they progress throughout the sessions.

The above process can feel very emotionally challenging for individuals and can evoke sensations of loss (‘Who am I without my borderline?’), however, it is also an empowering journey to embark on. BPD can feel like a life sentence (and one you have no control over) but by doing the inner work, you can learn how to not abandon yourself - your inner child. You can become the safety you have sought in others – how beautiful is that?

I hope that by reading this, you can begin to see the beauty in your borderline or in the borderline of others. Everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and truly understood. 

Keep going.

Leah